I can't

This blog was meant to be an outlet for me. It was meant to help me get all of my thoughts out, and maybe even let loose with some of my creativity. Often, when miserable, I am creative.

But she was my muse, and a muse like no other. I have yet to find something or someone to replace that. It's been difficult.

I close my eyes at night and still see her face, eyes looking into mine like they used to. I dream of her holding my hand and wake up expecting to feel it in mine, but it's not. And now she is farther away than ever.

Getting stuck

Sometimes I get stuck inside of my own head. Right now I am thinking of E- and A- both. I found old pictures of C- when he was born and I feel blank. It's his mom's birthday tomorrow and she has had a rough year.

My son's mom left me because...I don't exactly know. I do know that right now isn't the time to ask her. I think she left because I was: unstable, emotionally unavailable, undependable, needy, distant...

Oh. Did I say was?

I'm thinking of E- and what went wrong. Maybe none of it was ever right. The problem I have is that I can't stop...what?

jlksdjsdgnhjasdfghjioafghjiaghioasgdfhjoisnhuogivndfauogvnaovbnasduioghvhfdiognasdjgnvodfguaing

if a chimp was put in foront of a keyboard could it really write shakespeare? who knows. i ca wirite my own name and oln ly make a load of errors.

sometiems a public blog isn't the best way to go about things, but what can you do? maybe I shoulde not. be.

maybe i should not be................................................................................................

what am i so afraid of????????????????????????????????????????????????

iiiiii sdon't knoww.

failed experiment. faileddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

...and just let go

I'm so often given advice that ends with those four words. I sometimes wish people would stop advising me and just listen.

I get headaches because of the damage I've done to my skull. I sometimes feel displaced or "out of body".

I remember being before I was. This makes me a madman to some. But I remember light and wings on my shoulders. And I remember why I fell, why I am no longer in the light.

Now I receive only fragments of the celestial warmth that once bathed my skin. All I want is to go home, but my work is, it seems, unfinished.

I once read that God gives the hardest battles to the strongest, and that we go through a lot because we're going places and He is trying to prepare us for what's to come.

Though many will not believe me, as of this writing I am 186,343 years old. I have seen much during my exile. I have endured much.

And yet I am wary of where I must be going, and I dread what Father is preparing me for.